For now, here we go:
The First Time I Saw Zoe
Gavin and I knew all along that we were having a girl- we both just felt it. The midwife student had accidentally told us late in the pregnancy that it was a girl, but we weren't too surprised. And so when the baby finally did come out I did not think to ask if it was a boy or girl. I just looked to see if the baby was ok. At that point, we knew about the heart problems so I was worried. During the pushing phase of labour, the heart monitors kept losing the heartbeat. We weren't seriously worried since we knew it was faulty monitors, but still I wanted to see for myself that everything was fine.
Unfortunately, that squiggly, pink, screaming infant was not the sight I saw. Instead I was met with a white/grey baby with a cord around its neck and I could see she was not moving. I had great fear about the cord being around the neck since I had an older sister who lost a baby during birth due to the cord being wrapped around the neck. My midwife quickly flipped the baby and unwrapped the cord that was wrapped around the neck twice. We are told that this did not harm Zoe in any way.
But back to first impressions.
The baby was handed over to the respiratory therapist who was already in the room due to knowing about the heart condition. Gavin held my hand but was looking at the corner where they took the baby. I told him to go to the baby. He took off and I immediately asked the midwife if the baby was alive. I can't remember her exact response, perhaps it was something about focusing on delivering the placenta. But I do remember that she did not give me an answer. I knew that was not a good sign and I asked again. This time she honestly answered, "I don't know."
It felt like forever, it was probably just a few minutes before Gavin returned to my side. I could tell by his face that there was something seriously wrong. He did say though that the baby was breathing. Later, I learned that Gavin had watched as they tested the baby's reflexes and his concern was how her arms just flopped at her sides and she never made any noise.
I could not see this.
I was busy delivering the placenta.
Stuck on a table.
Unable to see the baby or wrap her in my arms.
Which is what I wanted most.
Zoe goes to the NICU
After a few minutes? I am not sure how long, the respiratory therapist decided that the baby was not breathing well enough on her own and wanted to take her to the NICU. As they got ready to leave, I asked if I could see the baby. She brought her to me and finally I got to see her little face. Her eyes and mouth were tightly shut and her fist was on her chin. She looked pale but perfect. I could tell that she already looked a lot like Gavin. It took all of my self control not to grab her out of the therapist's arms. I could see that she needed to go to the NICU but I wanted her to stay with me. Gavin and I never got to hold her before she left the room. Gavin followed the baby to the NICU but was asked to wait outside while they got her settled. Intubation (for those of you who have never seen it) can be pretty violent and they don't usually let families watch.
Gavin and I wait to see the baby
After Gavin returned from being kicked out of the NICU, I could tell he was really worried. I tried to get him to sit down and relax (yeah right!) The midwives were amazing and got us some tea and toast. I had to wait at least thirty minutes until I was allowed to stand up. All sorts of scenarios ran through my head. I just tried to focus on getting something to eat and drink to build my strength. Getting Gavin to sit down for one minute. And getting to the baby as soon as possible.
The Doctor Gives us a Report
After about 30 minutes (again could have been more or less) a doctor finally came to update us on how the baby was doing. At that time, she was still just "the baby" since we had not named her yet. I can not remember all that was said but the doctor mentioned that something was seriously wrong. He mentioned rocker bottom heels and the small size (born at 42 weeks plus one day, Zoe weighed in at a whopping 5 pounds, 3 ounces) being indicative of a syndrome. Both Gavin and I have experience working with trisomy 13 and 18 kids who have rocker bottom heels. They do not typically live very long after birth. He told us the various tubes and why they were inserted into the baby. He also used words like "dsymorphic features, low set ears, wide nasal bridge, small chin." While I appreciated his honestly, I wish he had spoken to us after I could have seen the baby for myself. Because we had already learned that something was wrong, when I saw the baby in the NICU and had my first good look I kept looking for these "dsymorphic" features instead of just enjoying looking at my new baby for the first time. I suppose he just wanted to prepare us for what could lay ahead. But I still feel very sad that I never got to just hold Zoe and discover her for myself in those first minutes of life. It feels like even those first precious moments (which should be filled with excitement and bliss) were taken away and instead filled with fear, worry, and sadness. In some ways, it feels like most of her infancy was taken away in this manner.
But what choice did the doctors have? They thought that Zoe had a horrible syndrome that could kill her in days. I can not imagine how difficult it is to give families this news.
Anyway, back to Zoe.
First Trip to the NICU
The doctor said it would be ok for us to visit the baby. We immediately got a wheelchair and got ready to go. I remember the midwife looked very worried. This was her first birth where the baby was not healthy. She hid it well and was I not trained to read people, perhaps I would not have sensed her worry. I hugged her as I sat down in the wheelchair and I began to sob. I realized I would never get through the night if I thought about anything or hugged Gavin. And so instead, I just held his hand as he wheeled me down the hall.
As we approached the incubator the baby was in, we could hear staff talking. What I remember is a comment about it being good that mom had no drugs on board since the baby was so flat at birth as it was. Also, someone said something about it being a shame that it was our first baby and all. The midwife went behind the curtain and cheerfully said, "I have mom and dad here," which promptly shut the staff up.
My Beautiful Dsymorphic Daughter
It is difficult now to remember just what it was like seeing Zoe for the first time. Now, every curve of her face, every eyelash, every hair is so familiar to me. Then, it was such a weird feeling. Here is this child I carried inside of me for ten months and I don't even recognize her. When I saw her "rocker bottom feet" it made me smile. For months I had been feeling her zip an appendage along my insides. I could never figure out- was that a hand, a foot, a knee? It did not feel like any of these things. Now I understood it was a rocker bottom heel. And I knew that this baby was mine because I recognised the feet. I wanted to pick her up, snuggle her against my skin but I was not allowed to do more than hold her hand. I was not put off by the tubes. Gavin and I work in a hospital so the tubes did not bother me. But until the baby was considered "stable" we were not allowed to move her.
Naming Zoe
Gavin and I stood at her side, discussing which name suited her. All along we discussed names and Zoe was always a favourite of Gavin's. I resisted this name. It is complicated to explain it all but I will try.
The entire pregnancy, both Gavin and I always knew it was a girl. And we both always suspected that the child would have special needs. Was this paranoia from working at the hospital or just parental instinct? Gavin has a cousin Zoe that has down syndrome. I was worried that if we named the baby Zoe and the baby had special needs, everyone would assume we named her Zoe since the other Zoe had special needs too. This was a silly thought but I wanted to honour Gavin's cousin Zoe by naming our baby Zoe but I did not want it to mean less if the baby was going to die. That doesn't make sense I know.
Toward the end of the pregnancy I got a very strong feeling that the baby was a Zoe and I wasn't going to have much choice in the matter. Perhaps I thought by resisting the name Zoe, I would prevent the baby from having special needs? Who knows what twisted thoughts I had- I was a pregnant lady who was way overdue and just wanted to have this kid already!
I loved the name Zoe and its meaning. Zoe is Greek for "life." I thought this was perfect since Gavin and I never thought we would be able to have biological children together. I liked Zoe paired with Alexander, a good strong family name. Both suited Zoe well. And at that point we knew that this kid needed a good strong name to match her determined personality.
And so, standing by her bed I could see that she really was a Zoe. We had debated some other names and we tried them out. Said them to the baby to see if they would stick. But no, Zoe it was.
It wasn't until later that we decided for sure. During a bomb scare (what my American relatives who have heard my labour story must think of the Canadian health care system! I swear it is not normally like this!) we called down to the nurse to let her know that we had named the baby Zoe. She even made a little name card for her. But more on that in a later post.
We were given a picture and we knew what that meant....
While we were sitting with the baby, a nurse gave us a picture that she had taken of the baby. It was from the Linden Fund. My mouth went dry when she handed it to us. I knew these were pictures that staff took just in case the baby doesn't make it so the parents have at least one photo.
Suddenly I realized how serious this all was.
Suddenly I was really scared that we could lose her.
Up until then I thought, "I don't care if she is dysmorphic, has funny shaped feet, or has a syndrome. She is going to be ok."
Suddenly I thought, "Wow, we could actually lose her."
Now Go Get Some Rest- Yeah Right!
We were asked to leave so they could finish "settling" the baby. The midwife said she had to finish checking me and would help us get settled in a room. Again, my midwife was thoughtful and had us moved from the room with a roommate to a room with the second bed empty. If we had to have a roommate with a healthy baby that night, I don't know how we would have coped. As it was, it was a terrible night. I think we made it maybe three or four hours before we went back to the NICU. We were told to get some rest, who knew what the next day would be like. After having the baby inside of me for ten months, how could I leave her all alone with strangers? I couldn't stand the thought of her being without us. All we had with us was that picture the nurse gave us. Initially we could not look at it. All I saw in it was the dysmorphic features the doctor talked about and the possibility of losing her. Now, it is one of my favourite pictures of Zoe because it reminds me of the first time I really saw her and how far she has come. Gavin posted this picture on the very first post on this blog, so I won't repost it now. Instead, here is another wonderful picture of my beautiful daughter:
This picture is actually from the next day when we were able to just sit by her side and speak to all of the different specialists. We were still not allowed to hold her, but we could stick our hands in the incubator and touch her. I just had to include a picture to show just how gorgeous Zoe was at birth. It's hard to believe she is 22 months already. Where did my baby go? 
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