Heartbreak

I knew the heartbreak was coming, but still.

Zoe had her tonsils out on Friday.  This was a surgery we were hesitant to do but everyone said it would be good for Zoe.  We knew this was necessary, but still.

We prepared for surgery, made a good plan, all was going well.  Zoe was doing so well in fact, they decided to discharge her this morning.  She had her immune system rash going on.  The rash that heralds something is amiss.  We thought something might be wrong but they were eager to send us on our way.

Perhaps we should have pushed to stay.
Perhaps we should have listened to that rash.
Perhaps we should have guessed.

We spent a couple hours at home and then back to the emergency room.

Zoe is struggling to breathe, she is seizing, she is vomiting.

We knew this might happen.

We were prepared.

But still.

This sucks.

Three Hugs

I got three hugs tonight

from my beautiful

amazing 

daughters.

The first was heartbreaking.

Zoe tells me she is scared.

She signs "help" repeatedly.

She worries she will get worse.

She wants me to stay.

She clutches my hand.

I wrap my arms around her

she puts her arms around my neck

presses her flushed cheek to my face

and she cries.

My tears roll down her face.

The second was full of lies.

When I get home from the hospital Ailsa is full of energy.

She played with the neighbours

she is excited about her day

she is tired and ready for bed.

I tuck her in.

I snuggle her.

I pretend that everything is ok.

She is not worried about Zoe

well- not seriously worried anyway.

She has faith that Zoe will be ok

that she will recover

that she will return home soon.

I tuck my daughter in to bed with these beliefs safely tucked in to her heart.

The third was milky sweet.

I nursed my exhausted baby until she was so milk drunk she could barely move.

I lifted her to my shoulder.

Her soft cheek pressed in my neck and I thought of Zoe.

I thought of all that I can not do for Zoe tonight.

I thought of how I can not be there with Zoe tonight.

I thought of how bad this could get before it gets better.

I thought of spending the night waiting for the phone to ring

for Gavin to call to say she is worse.

I thought how this has happened before

and probably will happen again.

I thought of all the choices we make for Zoe

the heartbreak

the pain

the burden.

I rocked Willow and thought of my three beautiful girls

my wonderful

sweet

amazing

funny

fun 

giving

kind

full of life

strong girls.

And my heart broke to think that some day there may not be three.