Another Saturday Night

Just another day in caring for Zoe.

She only had one small pee today. Which means force feeding her. Which I hate. And Zoe has always hated but can now sign "angry" to make sure I know she hates it.

And just another bath.

Where Zoe tips her face back into the water in an attempt to drown herself. She sucks the water into her lungs. I sit her up while she chokes. But after a few seconds she takes a breath.

And I wonder.

How many more baths like this?

How many more times do I have to bend over and give her body total support just to get her clean?

How many more times is she going to choke herself?

And I already know the answer to that- too many to count.....as many as it takes....and it doesn't really matter how many since I will always be here with her.

As I scrub her scalp medicated shampoo into her head Zoe accidentally knocks her turtle toy so the neck makes the cracking sound she loves. I see a tiny smile start and a small chuckle, "Heh heh heh."

And I think two thoughts simultaneously:

"This kid is going to kill me."

And

"My god she is gorgeous."

I ask Zoe, "Are you breaking necks?" (This is a game we play with her cracking turtle). Zoe throws her head back in a full grin and looks at me expectantly.

And I think, "How did I get so lucky?"

Fun with the swine flu

So Zoe was hospitalized for the H1N1 virus this last week. She was in for 8 days and is now at home on NG feeds. She had been slightly sick a couple of weeks earlier but as Genevieve was a bit sick then and Gavin had a really bad headache/fever for a couple of days we thought she had managed to avoid it too badly. We were hopeful this was our brush with the swine flu. Then Genevieve got sick again for five days or so (and Genevieve doesn't usually get sick). Zoe was still well however. As she is in the "high risk" catagory she got the H1N1 vaccine on Friday the 30th of October, about 2 days after it became available up here. She had a bit of a temp over the weekend but was in good spirits and eating well - we just thought it was a reaction to the vaccine (and actually, it could have been just that). On Monday we sent her off to school and she had a good day. Monday evening though she started fussing and spiking fevers up to 39.5 degrees centrigrade (103 farinheit). We went to the Emergency department at Sick Kids (where Gavin works) and her temp was taken at 37.5 centrigrade (37 is "normal- Zoe usually runs half a degree below that)- we think this temp was incorrect as they did it in her armpit instead of her butt (which Zoe actually likes- strange girl) and she was squiggling a lot. Never- the-less we jumped the cue due to Zoe's complicated medical situation. and got into a room in the ED. Good thing we did because a half hour later she had a febrile seizure and temp was up to 40.5 (105 farniheit). The seizure lasted a couple of minutes. They gave her rectal Ativan which she promptly pooped out. Her airway stayed open but they couldn't get IV access after six tries so that was a bit tricky. They eventually got a line in on the seventh try later on. We were not happy about the seizure- Zoe (unlike a lot of the 1p36 kids) has never had seizures before and we weren't anxious to start. But hopefully this was just a febrile seizure and not part of an underlying epileptic condition. She only had the one, so that is good news.

She did well in hospital, just made slow progress. Typically the fever with H1N1 lasts about four days- she is now on day 10. She isn't eating or drinking much, hence the NG (which she has already pulled out once). But she is eating more each day. Not drinking a thing, but that is how Zoe is when she is sick. We are comfortable managing the NG at home; we ended up doing it frequently last winter to keep Zoe out of hospital. Hopefully we will be able to remove it in the next few days. She was on a small amount of oxygen while in the hospital for a few days but only by mask, nasal prongs (useless- they always end up in her mouth or her eyes) or blow by.

It was tough being in hospital again. Zoe's grandfather Alan is here right now- he came in from Calgary to help us around the house but ended up doing our laundry and bringing in fresh laundry, food and clean cloth diapers in for us. It was a big help, as both of us stayed at the hosptial with Zoe to do her care, run her feeds, take her temps etc. When Zoe is in we like to do most of her care anyway. Genevieve took Tuesday and Wednesday off but went back to work Thursday and Friday. As she works on the 5th floor of Sick Kids and we were on the 7th it made her commute a lot shorter (unless she got stuck on the stairs behind some big fatty around the sixth floor). Gavin ended up working two twleve hour shifts in the Emergency room on Saturday and Sunday, mainly because two of our other staff were out with H1N1 themselves and the sole remaining person had worked 5 days straight. So we are all pretty much exausted- Zoe from being sick, Gavin and Genevieve from looking after Zoe, sleeping at the hospital and working too much (on Sunday evening I remarked to a colleague that I hadn't been outside the hospital for 48 hours- shortly after Genevieve found me and made me take a walk with her!) and my dad from running around and doing all our scut work. But we are home. Zoe was one excited little girl when she saw she was going to get to sleep in her own bed yesterday after coming home!

Zoe sleeping in her big girl hospital bed. This was the first time she has ever slept for any length of time in a large bed. It was useful though, because for the first couple of nights she was so restless mom or dad would have to climb up there and sleep with her. Not very restful for us (Zoe is not a peaceful sleeper) but what she needed!

Zoe and her wonderful respite worker Riann, who came in on her own time to give mom and dad a quick break one day.

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An update- it's now the 13th and we pulled Zoe's NG tube last night. Sounds like she had a good day at preschool today and is eating better. So hopefully she is on the rebound.

Equipment

Bath Chair

We tried out a surfer bather hydraulic bath lift but we have found it is not a good fit for us. It was great at lifting and lowering Zoe into and out of the bath but since the lift weighs as much as Zoe and we do not have a second bathtub, setting it up is as much work as lifting Zoe. From trying it out we did figure out that we do want to look into a bath chair as an option at this point. Zoe is still not able to support herself at all in the bath and has started a behaviour where she flings herself back in order to drink the water. Kids at this age typically try to drink the water but since Zoe is on her back she ends up choking and aspirating on the water. Which is not a good thing! So we are waiting to try out some different bath chair options.

New Therapy Plan

Zoe just started at a rehab centre. She will now go there for therapy rather than the therapist coming to our house as they have done until now. We are excited to start this next phase of Zoe's therapy because we know it will be more intense and push her more. We are a little worried that this will be very hard on her. But we know that it is good for her in the long run.

The Never Ending Parental Guilt

During Zoe's assessment for the rehab centre it has become quite obvious that her therapists have not been pushing her as much as they should have. And we knew this for the past little while but since Zoe had such a rough winter we didn't want to push her too much. Since Zoe has been sick, we focused on other goals like communication, social, and walker skills. We know that we are amazing parents and that Zoe has grown so much but still we do feel guilt that we did not push her more with physical therapy. Does any parent not feel this guilt all the time? No matter how much you give your kids, it never seems like enough. As a parent, you want them to have it all. So we try to sit back and see how far Zoe has come. And the reality is Zoe would still be very delayed physically no matter what. She was far too sick most of this past year to have much energy for focusing on gross motor skills. It is actually amazing that Zoe is doing as well as she is considering all of the challenges she faces every day.

Zoe is finally big enough to sit at the table like a big girl to play or eat. She is quite proud of herself. She even signs "Zoe proud" when she is especially proud of herself these days. It is amazing how she is starting to pick up on social expectations/ pressure. She had to go to the back of the line at school for pushing and she was very upset about it. She kept signing "Zoe" with a sad face when the teacher was telling me about it. I guess she learned though since she hasn't pushed in line since then. We are encouraging her to feel proud of herself when she does the right thing by telling each other about it, "Daddy, Zoe wants you to know that she turned the light off in her room all by herself" or "Zoe wants you to know that she helped pick which vegetables I should chop up first for the stir fry" etc which results in Zoe smiling and signing "proud."

Oh no- what would our Scottish relies think! Great Grandma Ross already warned us, "She's a bonny wee babity but don't tell her she is so bonny or she will get to be too proud."

Erin (Shelby's mom) gave us a bunch of Shelby's old clothes and this blow up donut thing. At first we thought this would never work for Zoe (she keeps flinging herself backward). But we are trying it out to work on sitting skills. It seems like we have been working on sitting forever but we try to remind ourselves it has only been 2 1/2 yrs. Zoe still can not sit on her own at all so we are hoping this will give her practice time to build strength and muscles she needs for sitting.

And Zoe thinks it is quite fun to lay in the donut as well! Daddy thinks her new hat is fun too. We also go one with jiggly bells on it and Zoe thought it was hilarious when she moved her head and heard the bells jingle.

Daddy and mommy got some new equipment too! Zoe was checking out our new treadmill. It has become obvious that we will never have time to leave the house in order to exercise and so we invested in some exercise equipment. We have been enjoying the time together to catch up on our day while exercising after Zoe is in bed. And we keep each other motivated. Lifting and caring for Zoe is really starting to put a strain on both of us physically so we know it is important to make sure we stay in good shape. Plus it is a great stress buster at the end of a hard day.

Our Thanksgiving Holiday

The Ontario Cottage Experience

"Going to cottage" is a very popular holiday plan for many people from Ontario. We planned to camp this September but never made it there so instead we decided to do the traditional cottage experience since camping in October can be a bit chilly. We were quite pleased with how relaxing a trip it ended up being. We went to Gananoque in the 1000 islands area.

I took a long time researching cottages to find one that Zoe could easily use her walker in. This cottage was great because the scenery out the front window was gorgeous. We were right on the river with our own private beach.

Zoe sits with daddy while enjoying her first cruise.

Zoe tuckered out from storming the castle.

Zoe laughing with mommy on the cruise ride back to the cottage.

Zoe was getting a bit tired by this time but luckily daddy brought a toy that was both entertaining and yummy!

This is the pier that was right outside our cottage. Zoe did a great job walking up and down it every night. It gave us a chance to get outside to enjoy the scenery. And we were amazed that Zoe did so well walking on uneven ground. She did get a little frustrated at times because she couldn't understand why she couldn't go swimming.

Family shot while sight seeing at the top of the 1000 islands Skydeck on Hill Island. Zoe's favourite part of this day trip was walking in the bathroom and the elevator. Doesn't Zoe look too cool for her parents with her new transition shades?

Last stop on the way home- Chucky Cheese! It wasn't quite as fun as mommy remembered it being from when she was a kid. But it is a great place to bring a kid like Zoe. She got to ride her first merry-go-round, she loved this car that bumped up and down, and she really liked licking the skee balls! It was a great place for her to be able to run around in her walker and get to pick what she wanted to do.

Zoe's favourite part of Chucky Cheese was the slides. It is actually quite a work out for us to put her at the top and catch her at the bottom but that smile is well worth the effort.

Zoe's Prescription for Happiness

I was having a conversation with Zoe about how I have not been feeling well lately. Working in the field that I do I know how much kids pick up on when we think they are clueless about what is going on. As if that was not enough to prompt me to make sure that Zoe knows what is happening, her teacher asked me how I was feeling when I dropped Zoe off yesterday at preschool. I had stayed home from work last Friday and Gavin took Zoe to school so I figured that is why she was asking. But she elaborated and said that Zoe had seemed worried about me and was signing "mommy" and "hurt" at times. And so I had this conversation with Zoe today:

Genevieve: "Mommy hasn't been feeling very well but she is seeing doctors so they can help mommy feel better. Hopefully mommy will feel better soon. But you don't need to worry about mommy."

Zoe signs "kisses"

"Oh, are you going to give mommy kisses to help her feel better?"

Zoe smiles.

"That's a good idea. Kisses would help mommy feel better. What else do you think will make mommy feel better?"

Zoe signs "milk"

"Milk? You think milk and kisses will make mommy feel better?"

Zoe smiles and signs "play"

"Oh and playing will make mommy feel better too. Kisses, milk, and playing. Anything else?"

Zoe signs "sleep"

Laughing I say, "Yeah you are right, sleep would help too. So is that what mommy should do, get lots of kisses, milk, playing, and sleep?"

Zoe smiles and signs "mommy" "happy"

"Yes, you are right Zoe. I think those things would make mommy happy."

So there you have it- Zoe's prescription for happiness:
kisses, milk, playing, and sleep

Sounds good to me!

What's New?

New Glasses

Zoe's glasses were lost two weeks ago at school. Her teachers are always very responsible with her glasses and other equipment and felt terrible about them falling out of a side pocket of a bag when they were on their walk. I think they were more upset then we were! So we ordered new glasses and they came in on Friday. We were so happy to see Zoe in glasses again. What a difference it makes in her looking and focusing now. As soon as the new glasses were on, Zoe just kept looking and looking at everything. When we got home, we put her in the walker and Zoe just took off and kept laughing and smiling like she was saying, "Hey, I can see everything again!" We were looking at replacing the old glasses soon anyway since they were starting to press on her temples. And this time we got transition lenses so Zoe can see better outside. So far we are very happy and so is Zoe. She keeps signing "Zoe happy."

Zoe posing for the camera in her new glasses.

Zoe's New Big Girl Role

Now that Zoe is a big girl and goes to preschool, she is starting to have jobs around the house. Currently, it is Zoe's job to feed the fish, oversea daddy cleaning the fish tank, turn off the light in her room, and sometimes Zoe will help us with preparing dinner.

Zoe helping Daddy clean the fish tank.

Zoe helping make pizza.....



....sometimes throwing the cheese on the floor is more fun than putting it on the pizza!

Zoe's New Fish

Zoe adopted Brittany, the fish from school. After rearranging the classrooms this summer, Brittany no longer had a safe place to live. We were very excited to take her home. Zoe knows that Brittany is her fish and therefore, she has to take very good care of her. Gavin was just a little bit excited about having a second fish tank!

Zoe showing Brittany her rolling toy.

New Look for the Pony and New Walking Style

We used to use a basket on Zoe's pony with a toy in it as a way to motivate Zoe to walk. Lately, she became so interested in the toy that she would just stand there and play with it. So we have taken off the handle bars and basket so the pony is open in the front. Now, Zoe is able to get right up to tables, chairs, etc to reach things better. And she can see where she is going so she is not distracted from walking. We have noticed big changes in Zoe's walking style. She used to walk just for walking sake and just run around when in an open area. Which is typical of kids when they are first walking. Now, like an older child, Zoe will take off and run over to a toy or something she wants to play with but does not do a whole lot of walking for walking sake. She now expects to walk to get where she can play. We have set up different areas of the house for her to explore and play in. School has done a really great job with this as well.

The other way her walking style has changed is that her coordination has really come along. Zoe now gets a full gait going with opposite arm swinging at the same time her leg is moving forward. It is very exciting to see this development. Zoe can now back up and move away from things when she is stuck. Every now and then she gets really stuck and will squawk for help, but mostly she is very independent (and has to be watched or she will really take off!).

Zoe playing with her pom pom outside of her "bat girl" cave.


Zoe stopping to play with one of her favourite toys while walking around the living room.



And despite us putting up all sorts of fun sensory play stations and toys throughout the house, Zoe's favourite place to go is still the bathroom! Crazy girl! She now has the coordination to turn herself and go into the bathroom very easily and loves to just hang out in there signing "more." More what? More toilets? Who knows! You can see her signing more in this picture.

New Signs

School has been great about working on lots of new signs with Zoe. We are continuing to work on signs at home too. Zoe is working on her animals right now and names for objects in her classroom. I have been working on feeling words and Zoe is doing an amazing job communicating. Something I did not teach her but she has started doing herself is to add "mommy" or "daddy" to her feeling sign to let us know which one of us is making her angry or sad. And she will label our mood too by signing "daddy tired." She is also doing a great job of vocalizing to get our attention and then signing. We joke now because she has become so vocal that we feel like she just yells at us all day long! She is not always patient but it is so great to see how much she is able to communicate despite her being "non-verbal."

New School Schedule

Now that Zoe is in Preschool, we decided to increase her days at school to three days a week. Zoe now goes to school Monday, Thursday, and Friday. Three days in a row were too much for her, she would just be exhausted by Friday and not get much out of it. This way she has some time to rest in between but is never away from school more than two days. Zoe continues to LOVE school. This past Monday I woke Zoe up to get her ready for school. She kept repeatedly signing she was tired. The conversation went something like this:

Zoe signs: mommy

Mommy says: Yes, Zoe?

Tired

Yes, Zoe. I know you are tired but it is time to get up.

Mommy

Yes, Zoe?

Tired

Yes, Zoe. I know you are tired but it is time to get up.

Mommy......

and it repeats itself until Zoe hears Gavin in the kitchen. She then applies to daddy for help.

Daddy

Yes, Zoe. Daddy is in the kitchen.

Tired

Yes, I know you are tired.

Daddy

Yes, Zoe. Daddy is right there.

Tired

Ok Zoe, I will tell Daddy you are tired.

Daddy- Zoe wants you to know that she is tired.

Daddy says: Ok Zoe, I know you are tired but it is time to get up.

Mommy......

and on it continues until I answer with

Zoe I know you are tired but it is time to get up for school.

suddenly Zoe's hand stops in midair from signing "tired" and grasps the other hand in a "school" sign while a big smile spreads on her face.

School

Yes, Zoe you are going to school. That is why I woke you up.

School (signed while laughing and smiling)

Gee Zoe, I thought you were tired.

Shakes her head no and then signs "Zoe school"

Well I am glad that you suddenly got so much energy for school.

School

Yes, Zoe you are going to school

Zoe School

(Sigh) Yes Zoe, you are going to school

Zoe School.....

and you can imagine this continues for some time!

New Physio Schedule

At this point, we are able to back off from doing so many physio exercises and able to let Zoe run around the house and play to get her exercise. For a long time, we had to teach Zoe to put her feet on the ground. Now, she loves to walk and stand. So we are working on building her endurance and this is best done by letting her walk as much as possible. We take her over to Variety Village (a great wheelchair accessible facility with big smooth hallways and a heated pool) and just let her wander the halls. It is also great to see how many people know her. Many have commented on her not having her glasses the last few weeks. It is nice to have this sense of building a community that is getting to know Zoe. Some people I don't even know but they will say, "Hi Zoe" so I guess they know her!

Zoe also loves being in her stander and will stay there for up to an hour as long as she has something to play with. She LOVES playing in the sandbox or water table at school.

We do still have to do some arm strengthening/ compressions to get Zoe to put her hands out. She continues to put her arms down at her sides rather than use her arms to push up or brace herself when falling from a seated position. Just like with her legs, we have to program Zoe's brain to do what other kids do instinctively. We also continue to stretch her hips and hamstrings which continue to be very tight.

As always, Zoe continues to be very motivated to grow and build muscle tone. She does a great job rolling her toy back and forth to build shoulder strength, pushing buttons to build fine motor, etc. She is even building the muscle tone on her right side without us needing to prompt her to use that arm and hand. This is different than showing a preference for one hand or the other since it is a weakness in one side rather than a preference in the other. We used to have to prompt her a lot to use that right side, but she is now doing it herself. It is so nice to be at a place where therapy is becoming more play based and less funky exercises that make her scream!

New Health Routine for Genevieve

I am continuing to have some health issues this year. In 2005 I had an endometrinoma removed from my left ovary. At the time of surgery, the doctor also removed several more endometrial growths from my pelvic cavity. Since surgery, I have done well maintaining my health by eating well, getting lots of sleep, and acupuncture. As you can imagine, finding time for these things has been challenging since Zoe was born.

My doctor gave me a stern warning lately and I have missed quite a bit of work so it has been a real wake up call. My symptoms are much worse lately and interfering with my life. So I have recommitted myself to taking better care of myself, building my own muscle tone (how else am I going to be able to lift Zoe in the next few years as she gains weight?!), and getting back to acupuncture. My symptoms are such to suggest I may need more surgery but I have decided to hold off on that option for the moment. Surgery is not a cure for endometriosis and can actually cause more growths on the scar tissue left behind. Unless I am in danger (like last time- the cyst got so big that if it erupted on its own I could have lost an ovary and gotten very septic) I am opting out of surgery for now. Acupuncture has proven to be very effective in treating symptoms. I just haven't been good about going on a regular basis. I also started a hormone last April to help with pain and I am happy to report that the pain is getting much much much better. In April, the pain had gotten so bad I could not lift Zoe but would drag her from room to room on a towel (she actually enjoyed this!).

I think it is a combination of not being in chronic pain and Zoe doing so well that I am feeling much better mood wise. I feel like a new mom in some ways. There are days when I know I should sleep in (like yesterday- Gavin was home and got up with Zoe but I heard then giggling so I HAD to get up and see what they were up to) but I just want to gaze at Zoe all day long. She is so beautiful and I just love watching her eyes light up as she cruises the house and discovers something she can play with. I love hearing her "yell" at us. I even love when she is mad at me because I say it is time for bed and she signs "mommy" and "angry" with a very angry looking face so I know that she is mad at me! She has such a great sense of humour and I miss her so much during the week when I am at work that is is hard to take any time for myself to sleep on weekends.

So for now I am committed to taking better care of myself (something women in general are not encouraged to do in our society or my family). And I am really enjoying watching my beautiful and wonderful daughter play with my gorgeous and wonderful husband. They both make me feel like I am the luckiest mom/wife in the world.

After posing for the first picture on this page, Zoe giggled and signed "all done" like she was saying, "Please, please no more photos right now..."



Then she got serious- "all done" aka "look, I mean it, no more photos right now!"

The world we live in (sucks sometimes)

First off, Zoe is absolutely fine. Great actually. She just started three day a week preschool which she loves and is one busy little girl. I am going down early to pick her up and bring home Brittany, one of the school's goldfish (and her tank) that they no longer have room for. Zoe loves fish and wanted to adopt her (or at least she seems excited) so welcome to the family Brittany. We are all recovering relatively quickly from the cold we all had last week and Genevieve seems to be feeling a bit better after having a rough couple of weeks (knock on wood for those last two). So all is well.

This post is a copy of a letter I sent the CBC last Thursday. The CBC is Canada's national publically funded broadcaster and the show I refer to is a satirical news program (long past it's prime). It's not really a happy letter- not really a sad letter either. More resigned, I guess, and a reflection of the world we live in, and the perception society has of those that we all know deserve far better. It contains some terms I would never even think of using- not meant to offend but to illustrate my point. Here's the letter, anyway.
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Hey "This Hour has 22 minutes" people,

I am not a fan of your show, though once I was. It has probably jumped the shark tank some time ago, despite the introduction of some peppy new comedic talents. Still, you are not as terrible as "The Air Farce"; you are certainly no Rick Mercer Report, however. Sorry, but there it is. I do thank you for bringing a nice little piece of irreverence and satire to the Canadian/world scene, no matter how frequently miss your mark.

This letter is not intended as a critique of your comedy, however. Today I sat down to dine on some nice leftovers and switched on your show at 3:53 PM. As I enjoyed my re heated meatballs a segment came on- the show was a rerun and I have no idea what the segment was on or when it was from. Something about IQ scores at the CBC. Whatever. However, in the course of the 92 seconds I watched you used the term "borderline retarded" at which point I clicked away. We don't have cable, so five channels later I found myself back again to hear "it's like getting a gold medal high jump at the Special Olympics" at which point I turned off the TV, sighed (I had finished my microwaved meatballs by this point) and came through to write this letter. And here is why.

The term "borderline retarded" is, except in very specific medical senses (and even then it is insensitive and non specific) an unacceptable phrase. As are Special Olympic jokes, when the aim is to denigrate the accomplishments of somebody. People with developmental disabilities (like my daughter Zoe) have to put up with these insults, and this discrimination, and this denigration of their worth as human beings every single day. Casual references and jokes, like yours, really do stigmatize and hurt. My daughter, only two and half, does not yet feel this hurt , but I do, and her older friends with developmental or intellectual disabilities do, and my cousin who has Downs syndrome does, and thousands and thousands of other Canadians and people around the world every single day do. Imagine for a moment you are an adult with a developmental disability, and you come home from your job or your day program or whatever and you’re sitting on the couch with your mom or your roommates and you flip on "This Hour has 22 Minutes". You think, "oh good, they are funny" and then BAM! Mark is calling you and your friends retarded. And then BAM! you look up to see your Special Olympics medal you are so proud of just as Gavin is taking a big fat dump on it on national TV and calling it worthless. Nice guys. Really classy. And people laugh. And laugh. And laugh.

And you shut off the TV and then what do you think?

And by the way, have you ever seen some of those Special Olympics athletes? They can kick my ass at High Jump or Shot Put, or just about anything athletic. Yours too, I'd be willing to bet.

So will I boycott your show? No, I don't really watch it anyway. Will I organize a letter writing campaign? No, though I will encourage my friends and family who I included on this e-mail to write to say "Yo, guys. Way to go. Thanks for picking on the weakest and most discriminated against group in our society, and contributing to their continued degradation by doing it so during prime TV watching hours, and showing it continually on re-runs, so people can see it again and again and again". I am far too busy for letter writing campaigns- organizing my daughters medical appointments, looking for ways to maximize her quality of life, doing her physiotherapy, taking her and her walker and her stander and her special needs stroller everywhere, fighting discrimination and fostering inclusion so maybe, maybe one day she won't have to put up with this shit . . . you get the idea.

If there is an air of weariness to this letter, it is because I have to fight this fight, for my daughter, every single day- I hear it on the subway, on TV, at work (and I work at Sick Kids, the largest Children's hospital in the nation). And do I ever expect to see "retard" go the same way as "nigger" or "pakky" or "kike" or “faggot” as it should? (I use those terms to demonstrate that retard is a word of the same ilk- filled with denigration, judgement, prejudice, discrimination and hate) No, not really, because shows like yours use it so casually so often it becomes a part of our language, so disconnected from any meaning but still spreading hate and pain to those that, really, deserve far better. What do I expect the outcome to be from this letter? Realistically, maybe a polite letter from a junior assistant on CBC comedy staff saying "we appreciate your comments, and keep watching the CBC". What would I like? Maybe for the writers of your show and the stars to see it, and think about it, and what consequences their words had, and maybe they shouldn't have been, well, the insensitive assholes that they were.

Shame on you guys, really. Put yourself in the shoes of my daughter - well, maybe not literally her shoe's, she has tiny feet- but metaphorically. Her shoes and the shoes of the women you see at the mall or the guy on the subway or the cute Downs Syndrome kids you see in the Special Olympics poster or somebody's cousin or sister or granddaughter. And you'll realize it's not funny. It just hurts.

Thanks for your time. Zoe sends her love. No, this is a lie- she has no idea who you are. And yet you took the time to insult her? In truth the only TV show Zoe watches is "Hockey Night in Canada" and that's because sometimes Daddy watches it with her for a couple of minutes before she goes to bed. Like my mom and dad did with me. Go Leafs.

Best to you and yours

Gavin Ross
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It's been a week now, and so far- no response.